Upholding the pretence that everything was ok had its up and downs. The mask and pretence cracked by times. Cracks that were beyond repair. Superglue, though it does wonders for anything else, couldn’t even work its magic. There was simply no way to keep on going like this. Soon her mask would fall off and everything that she had tried to keep hidden, everything that was raw and ugly, would be there for the world to see.

It certainly wouldn’t be a pretty sight. Something that most of those she knew would run away from it, screaming and howling at the horror expressed . But she had no choice. The mask of being fine was falling apart. Fast. The pretence couldn’t be upheld. Just as much as her heart and soul were disintegrating, all things that were upheld as an armour for protection and bare survival were cut off by a vicious angle grinder. The hurting and suffering was enough. Pain became her. It became unbearable. Nothing could hold back the all-engulfing blackness that would follow.

Cue: total and utter meltdown.

She who had never knew love. Had never felt cared for. Never experienced happiness as such. She felt lonelier than ever before. Safety and security were nowhere to found. All of which felt like bare necessities to survive. Especially now, when everything came crushing down and all the hurting that was buried deep down came back to the surface. It felt like she had waves of hurting coming at her continuously. No break between the soul-crushing waves. No time for a breather. No time for a rest. No-one to share the bitterness.

Heartbreak, suffering and devastation was all what she was all about right now. It came to the point where a drunken tear-soaked walk through London, encompassed by utter loneliness, drove her to jump in front of several buses in order to end it all. It simply seemed like there was nothing left to live for. Everything hurt. All felt broken and shattered to pieces. Unmendable.

She had hit the lowest point possible, with no hope for improvement. At all. And that is the honest truth. She is lost. Beyond repair and no way of saving her. Because nothing really gets better. That for her, is just a platitude sold by those desperate enough to keep the illusion of how things will work out for the better going. She truly believes that we are doomed. Just look around you. Just look at the state of the world. There is no hope. That is what she believes.

At a panel I participated in at this year’s Modern Language Association convention, on humanistic approaches to climate change, fellow panelist Stephen Sipirstein (Ph.D. candidate in English at the University of Oregon) suggested some possible reasons for the inattention to climate change that went beyond the political and economic factors usually cited. He proposed a new theoretical frame for addressing the issue. Climate change as a cultural subject, he argued, is a textbook example of the phenomenon denoted by Sianne Ngai, as “stuplimity.” Like the sublime, the stuplime is overpoweringly vast to the point that our intellectual and sensory faculties are disoriented. Climate change occurs on a scale and timeframe that is so outside of our embodied experience as to be almost incomprehensible. Yet unlike classical formulations of the sublime by Burke and Freud as a source of energy and action, the distinctly modern phenomenon of the “stuplime” is enervating and stupefying, beating us into inaction through an accumulation of incomprehensible information. The stuplime is simultaneously shocking and boring. Each frightening new piece of data or dire prediction, each report of disappearing species or of freakish weather,vanished glaciers or rising sea levels, force us deeper and deeper into a kind of waking stupor in which we seem to lack all agency, rather than mobilizing us into action.

Michael Verderame, The Stuplime Object of Ideology: Report from MLA

It’s a green hollow where a river sings
Madly catching white tatters in the grass.
Where the sun on the proud mountain rings:
It’s a little valley, foaming like light in a glass.

A conscript, open-mouthed, his bare head
And bare neck bathed in the cool blue cress,
Sleeps: stretched out, under the sky, on grass,
Pale where the light rains down on his green bed.

Feet in the yellow flags, he sleeps. Smiling
As a sick child might smile, he’s dozing.
Nature, rock him warmly: he is cold.

The scents no longer make his nostrils twitch:
He sleeps in the sunlight, one hand on his chest,
Tranquil. In his right side, there are two red holes.

Rimbaud – Sleeper In The Valley

Who remembers the disfigured Japanese babies and the leukaemia of Sadako Sasaki of ‘Thousand Paper Cranes’ fame, caused by the radiation from the ’45 nuclear bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Who remembers the chemical attacks on Halabja, ordered by Saddam, and the sharp increase in birth defects and miscarriages that followed suit? Even lesser known than these war crimes is the exposure of Iraq and its people to Depleted Uranium (DU) from military weaponry since 1991.

Depleted uranium is the by-product of the uranium enrichment process used to make nuclear fuel. It contains three times less U-235 isotope than natural uranium. Even though DU is about 60-75% as radioactive as natural uranium, it has been observed that DU is very toxic and has long-term health effects due to its long half-life which is estimated at around 4.5 billion years. The damage caused by DU is due to the length of time of the exposure more than the strength of the source.

Depleted uranium has a mass of 19,050 kg/m³ and is 1.67 times denser than lead. Because of its high density, DU is valued for certain civilian and military purposes. It is used as counterweight in aircraft’s and as protective material in radioactive settings. It is also used in ammunition and armours. Depleted uranium can penetrate armours, ignite on impact, and protect against normal bullets because of its high density. At impact, 20% of a DU penetrator’s mass turns into dust and can contaminate miles of land.

About 18 countries make use of DU in their military equipment as it is relatively cheap and readily available. The United States and the United Kingdom have used DU in their military equipment since the mid 70s, contaminating Iraq in the 1991 Gulf War and again in the 2003 Operation Iraqi Freedom. In the Gulf War, an estimated 375 tons of DU ammunitions were used. In OIF, more than a yet again estimated 2200 tons were used a year into the war.

Research conducted since 1990 indicate that exposure to depleted uranium can affect the function of the organs – including the brain, liver, kidney, and heart – in addition to causing genetic, reproductive, and neurological problems. And reports of high birth defect rates have always followed DU usage, especially in areas where DU munitions have been fired.

DU results in dreadfully malformed babies. Anyone who browses Google Images for “depleted uranium” will either be left horrified at the images of hideously misshapen babies or have nightmares for times to come.

During the Gulf War, Iraqi and American troops in the city of Basra received a total whole body radioactive dosage of 442-577 millisievert (mSv): the “recommended” yearly dosage is 1 mSv. In 2001, veterans of the Gulf War were reported to have about 14 times more chromosomal and DNA abnormalities in their genes and they had 220% more risk of having children with congenital malformations than their non-veteran peers. In 2004, another study showed that the risk of Gulf War male veterans having children with malformations was 50% higher than for non-veterans. It was also reported that even eight years after their brief exposure to DU in the Gulf War, US troops still had traces of DU in their semen and 100 times the “recommended” amount of uranium in their urine. Today, a third of the 1991 Gulf War veterans receive VA Disability Benefits. The damage was so immense that it is now referred to as the “Gulf War Syndrome”.

Reports from doctors in Iraq show that birth defects have increased by 2-6 times and that some types of cancer are 3-12 times more frequently seen since 1991. The Lancet, the world’s leading general medical journal, published a report in 1998 stating that around the world about 500 children die everyday as a result of Iraqi warfare, and that the mortality rate among Iraqi children under age 5 has increased from 2.3% in 1989 to 16.6% in 1993. In 2001, a decade after the Gulf War, doctors in Basra, one of the most contaminated cities in Iraq, reported sharp increases in the rate of congenital malformations at birth. 18 out of 1,000 children were born with some kind of defect. Doctors also reported a horrible new trend: mothers after labour no longer ask for the gender of their infants, but whether they are “normal or not.” This trend is likely to continue and become more frequent as the very genes of the exposed may have been damaged and the DU dust remains present.

Dr. Chris Busby, a British radiation expert, says:
“I’m horrified. The people out there – the Iraqis, the media and the troops – risk the most appalling ill health. And the radiation from depleted uranium can travel literally anywhere. It’s going to destroy the lives of thousands of children, all over the world. We all know how far radiation can travel”.

This radiation expert expresses his concern for troops, reporters, and Iraqis who might have been contaminated by Depleted Uranium in the Iraq war.

Six years into OIF, Dr. Busby and two other researchers conducted a survey in Fallujah, the most contaminated city in Iraq, and concluded that infant mortality has risen to 8%. In Fallujah, the incidence rate of leukaemia had increased 38 times and breast cancer in females 10 times by 2009. Shockingly, these figures are higher than the ones reported in Hiroshima and Nagasaki after 1945.

In the world of politics, depleted uranium is a very sensitive subject. In 1996-1997, UN Human Rights Tribunals labelled the use of DU for military purposes as a violation of the Geneva Convention and marked DU munitions as weapons of mass destruction. Dozens of humanitarian organizations, like the Campaign Against Depleted Uranium (CADU), and documentary movies, like Poison DUst, raise awareness about the dangers of DU.

Accusations were levelled against the coalition forces during the Gulf War and later during the Iraq War, and the propriety of many of their actions has been brought into question. Human rights activists around the world condemn the American and British occupation forces for using DU. One American veteran says American use of DU is “a crime against humanity which may, in the eyes of historians, rank with the worst atrocities of all time. [Iraq Military Veterans] are on DU death row, waiting to die.” This ex-soldier speaks for the quarter million US and UK troops who are now gravely ill allegedly because of DU exposure.

To avoid pressure from the UN and humanitarian organizations, the US, UK, and other coalition forces have refused to release specific information about the amounts and types of DU they used in Iraq. The US government’s Veterans Administration maintains that the Gulf War Syndrome is caused by the biological and chemical effects of the oil fields in Southern Iraq and has blocked more than once experimenting on the effects of DU. By blocking experiments, the armies of the superpowers communicate to us that they have an interest in continuing to use depleted uranium and will revert to force if necessary.

Even though in public the US Veterans Administration denies the dangers of DU, they privately acknowledge them. A leaked US administration report in 1995 purportedly admits the dangers of DU but states that the issue “must be viewed in perspective.” The report acknowledges that the cost of repairing the damage done would be “excessive.” They are just not ready to pay for the mistakes made.

Even with all the research and international fuss about DU, most of the world and many Iraqis are still ignorant concerning the subject of DU. This can not be tolerated any longer. DU is patient: it can strike any time during its 4.5-billion-year-stay. And unless we start caring, the suffering induced by DU contamination in Iraq will continue and increase over decades to come.

Each and every one of us, as citizens of countries that have caused this destruction, have a responsibility for decontaminating it and raising awareness about the dangers of DU. Because the tragedies caused by DU in Iraq are only the top of the iceberg. What of Afghanistan, Pakistan or Libya where the NATO is rumoured to also be using DU bombs?

What of it? War is not only shelled building, barren lands and disabled men. It now also stand for malformed babies, stillbirths and raging cancers. Bear that in mind when our warmongering governments pledge to yet again liberate a country.

I suddenly had a flashback. A dream I had about 6 months prior to the second Gulf War .

I dreamt of a young Iraqi boy , being held by two american GI’s and uplifted to be crucified on a cross. They nailed him to the cross and walked away . I woke up choking . I said to myself , they tortured the children of Iraq now they will crucify them .

The boy is now resurrected and is guiding my pen .

He is asking me to draw him crucified on a old rotting wooden cross . He tells me that he wants the background to be filled with over one million skeletons of dead babies with Ms.Allbright smiling on top of them . He is asking me to draw newborns with grosteque deformities due to depleted uranium. He is urging me not to forget the starving looking babies due to malnutrition . He is making sure I paint the children who have cancer because of american chemical weapons , queuing up in desolate hospitals .And he has not forgotten the children who survived in tattered clothes with their tattered textbooks walking barefoot to school .

Oh wait , he is also telling me to draw in the corner , a picture of the orphanage bombed during the war of liberation and he is making sure that I show the kids running in the streets desperate with nowhere to go – some kidnapped, some sold whilst others raped .

I asked him if he wanted me to add anything . He said the picture is almost complete . “What shall I call it ?” , I asked . He replied : “the World as I see it “.

An Arab Woman Blues

But I am not in Western Europe. I am in Baghdad and off my face just a little bit. The off my face part is unintentional as it involved painkillers after taking a bullet in my arm last night. No worries. The bullet did nothing. It was a completely stupid situation where a police officer at a security check point was on edge and I was a little slow in handing over my papers. I am pretty sure the police officer was as chocked as I was when his gun went off. That was at least what I got off of his facial expression before I hit the gas pedal and sped to the hospital. But taking a bullet is nothing. Nothing at all compared to the situation in Baghdad right now.

It has been 4 days since I’ve set foot on Iraqi soil. The 6th time since 2003 but only the 2nd time without any US or its allies real physical occupation presence in the country. It has been 2 days since 16 bomb explosions ruptured through Baghdad and killed at least 73 and wounded a multitude of that. It has been over 20 years since the first Western bombs fell on Baghdad. It has been nearly 9 years since the US and its allies invaded Iraq under the pretence of liberating the Iraqi people.

The situation in Baghdad and Iraq as a whole are horrible to witness. People are suffering every day. People are dying every single day because of the war that still has not ended although the military personnel has left. People are dying, not because of bomb explosions or face to face combat. They are dying because of the bombs dropped on this country between 1991 and 2003. Bombs paid for by Western tax money. Our tax money. Bombs carrying Depleted Uranium because that enables them to penetrate bunkers and tanks. Bombs that continue to destroy people’s lives even decades after they were dropped, after the initial destruction they caused.

The amount of people suffering and dying because of DU contamination is uncountable. Unpredictable even. It is one of the harsh realities of the war the Occupation forces are trying to sweep under the carpet. Even the Iraqi Health Ministry is trying to ignore it. But every day children are born with severe disabilities. Every day cancer or kidney disease rates are being blown off the charts. Why? Because of Depleted Uranium. Because the war in Iraq was never about liberating its people but all about oil and making money for weapon selling corporations.

This war ain’t over. For decades to come the people of Iraq will suffer due to contamination as they have been suffering for the past two. Due to poisoning by those who claim to have liberated them. Due to money making schemes by corporations and neo-cons. Due to us, the people everywhere, staying silent about how horrible the act of war is. Because war is never about liberation. It is never clean. Nor is it ever over. War always has civilians who die, even years after the last bomb was dropped. Just look at history critically and see the remnants of war everywhere.

Think about that whilst you are eating your Christmas meal this evening. Think about what our governments have done in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Libya, etc. during the past few decades. And what preparations they are now undertaking for Iran. Think about it and act. In the spirit of Christmas of course. Pray for peace tonight. Bring down your warmongering governments and the corporations making money out of war tomorrow.

more info on the Facebook event and Traveller Solidarity website.

MUST. WATCH. THIS.

Instead of writing this I would rather be in bed, hidden under a mountain of blankets and hugging myself to sleep whilst crying my eyes out. But I can’t do that. Not yet at least. At the minute I feel as I would do that I would never come back out of hiding. And I need to keep on going. No matter how fucked that may seem.

I feel lonely. To put it plain and simple. I feel very lonely. There’s no-one I know irl nearby. There’s no-one who knows me irl anywhere close. Rootless and without a safe haven to disembark at. Restless as the only thing keeping me in London right now is an issue that both impressed and broke my heart. And I feel alone dealing with it all.

For the past few weeks that feeling of utter loneliness has not left my being. It has been ever present. With everything I did or thought about. That feeling was there. It sat on my shoulder whispering in my ear that I was alone. That no-one cared about me. That everything I did was pointless, would not make a difference and wasn’t worth the emotional pain it was putting me through.

Yes. I feel lonely. The only comforting arms round me are my own. The only way I communicate with others about this is on fucking social media. The only way people notice that something is wrong is when there is an outburst of anger fueled by sadness, I can’t continue like this.

Maybe I should crawl under that pile of blankets and disappear.

I close my eyes
block off everything
no room for emotions
heavy

blankness of the mind
numbness of the heart
tea
that’s survival
resisting that urge to stop trying
let go and jump